Sunday, 1 May 2011

My idyllic life

A friend mentioned my photos the other day and how life looks so idyllic. It's funny what a photo can do. It shows what I want it to show, sometimes real, sometimes skewed.

Photos from today would show my children having a go at archery, running down a hill of bluebells, larking about in a fallen tree, laughing, joking and sitting quietly. I wonder what I'll remember of today in years to come when I look back at these photos.

What these photos don't show is the person behind the camera. I haven't slept properly for a week now. I'm tired, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm irritable. The children are difficult to manage. Tyran is so active, almost hyperactive, and I just don't have the energy or the patience with him that I should or that he needs. He never stops moving and talking, even in his sleep. Hayley spent the day in her usual way - veering wildly from extreme happiness and manic behaviour to extreme anger, sadness and wailing. What these photos don't show is the mum who sat down on a quiet path at Wakehurst Place this afternoon and just cried because it was all too much to manage. They don't show how much shouting I did, how annoyed I was with my children's exuberance, or how I just wanted to walk away from it all so I could have 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

So what will I remember in years to come? I hope it'll be how lucky I am to have all this.

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